You need to stand firm. I lived with that for 6 long hard painful months. He married you. Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention. Obviously, we know begging and pleading didnt work. That was NOT a good time his whore actually was going to come to our house I said bring your retarded ni**er whore ass to my house I was waiting with my sons pitbull and I told her my husband and I that we were waiting with a pit bull (she was scared to death of ) for her she NEVER has shown her face she left state as I did inform her legally if I saw her face I would have her arrested she left NY and went to Houma La never to be heard from again. You will never trust the cheater 100% but you can reconcile and trust 98%. And I didnt, and I will always regret that. I have purchased Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson and am reading through that. I then realized it never ever had anything to do with me. But now you are in limbo. Thank you again for sharing your stories! It took me 2 years to get to this point. I want a family life that he used to want and he no longer wants that. He threw in the towel. Suggestion on a new approach: speak with a professional. Im just like eye-rolling why now?, after Ive healed enough to completely see a future without him, why now? I cant explain it, I do know he loves me, but its almost as if he doesnt realize how much he loves me until he no longer has me. So im done. I played along b/c I had no $ to my name. When all I want is to do things with HIM and the baby, like we would have been doing prior to all of this. No is an answer. He had you in limbo. At this point It seems so far, and thats crazy to me. I have done so much reading and have handled this so calmly from DAY ONE, I almost regret it. He may be having more than one OW or just enjoying the flirting. You cannot make people wNt something. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. If you want to be with her then youre going to make that choice and im not going to stand in your way. and he said I was wrong again and I just let it go because I have no proof. She had made a regular hole in our sex schedule to accommodate him! And he deep down is having serious anxiety about what his future will be without me and his kids. From the moment I met her I told him watch your back she likes you more than a friend. Damn, if I could only have had suspicion and investigated. But sometimes we dont say much of anything and I usually do my own thing just trying to back off him. If you dont mind I have a question: I have a close friend that cheated and is not 18 months post him coming clean and his wife calling it quits. He will clean up the kitchen while I sit reading a book. It hurt my hand. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. No yelling in front of them. You are very smart. I feel a tight pain in my chest, im finding it hard to breathe and I cannot focus. I think when he goes out of town my mind goes WILD. I made that poor choice and I let him justify his A as my fault. Your email address will not be published. He said he did not want to be controlled. I am not sure how this works. My big fear was that if I left the other woman would appear at my door within hours because she had obviously already replaced me online right in front of my face at home so I know he would have had no problem seeing her face to face if I wasnt here especially after finding out he was making secret phone calls to her and never did tell her he was married until I inserted myself in the situation and made it known that he had a wife. It blows my MIND. She is engaging with your H inappropriately. But i knew waking up this morning that it would be right back to me feeling like im some weak girl and he calls the shots. I learned you cannot help anyone who will not help themselves. Biggest mistake I made was letting him be in control of us and me. Remember your daughter will see him as a role model and someday when she gets married she will consider the way he treated you acceptable behavior from her husband. I was in your position but my H had affsir fog for 6 months and was going to leave me. But I told him to go and be with her if he thought he could fix her. He has to want it enough to try, and hes DEFINITELY not there yet. Nothing changed. If you want to see new boundaries like he has no social media or you have free access to his phone, he must accept that. Sometimes I feel very positive. But im SO sick of just trying to be so happy and so upbeat all the time around him. Yup Yup and Yup. But it is not ok for him to drag you down the black hole of indecisiveness with him. If a mans crisis was caused by self-esteem issues due to getting older, he could find himself coming out of midlife crisis fog without having dealt with the core Yes it might be indeed. He never saw me with an I dont give a crap attitude towards him before. but it was the more i try to get her to see she was pulling a family apart and 2 kids lives. Let them talk. You are tired of living in limbo. You need to get him to see that he disrespects you. Maybe he feels differently, but I doubt it. K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. No way. But he was a coward. I never thought my life could take this kind of turn, and when it took this turn, I NEVER thought that this many months later I would still be in a position of heading towards divorce, when I know thats not what I want, but I fear he will do it just bc he doesnt know how to fix it and doesnt want to right now. Not open to discussion. I was stressed and could barely function. You cannot get them to change UNLESS THEY WANT TO CHANGE! Ignore what he tells lowlife losers. K. There is nothing you can do. But of course theres a way. I did not over react. Im sure he never shed a tear for my pain the pain he deliberately created and caused he was heartbroken at as he put it for ME forcing him to hurt an innocent real good woman ( I explained in detail I am a real good woman my mother and grandmother are REAL GOOD WOMEN and I for one am disgusted and offended and made me want to throw up at his daring to put a serial adultering street walking prostitute in his mind or my life as anywhere near a REAL GOOD WOMAN since we dont cheat and screw other womens husbands his whores all did just that) who did nothing wrong man I was exploding pissed off i told him I was the ONLY innocent GOOD WOMAN he ever had promised GOD to never hurt and him and his whore could hang themselves in hell . Deal with your stress and anxiety in a productive way. Unless he wants to change which he doesnt think he has a problem so he is not going to you have a choice. Mine also admitted to me that he was having an EA, and cried and told me he was scared. I dont even want to focus on all the ways hes hurt me, I just want to feel okay in my own skin right now and maybe he will see that and feel a connection again, regardless, I cant have days like today. I said I know youre still talking to her and I cant do it anymore. I walked away, he followed me and said I was wrong but I shut the bathroom door and got in the shower and then I told him I needed a breather and i went for a drive. WebThe Real Roots of Midlife Crisis The Atlantic | December 2014 T HIS summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. I feel like im just being chipped away every day. Even though I know thats whats best, and I told him I do know that. Stop trying to fix it or him. Talk about feeling like a major sap! Wed go out more. Im so sick of being sad! Its hard bc we have such a young baby, I have a large family, things are always going on, and its like we just go right back into a routine and hes thinking gosh, this isnt what I wanted to get back into, and I do get that. Here are some most crucial signs of a midlife crisis that may help you to understand where you stand. I had complete control and I was telling him what would happen. I cant even BELIEVE it has been so many months of dealing with this. i know its allowing him to cake eat and have things very easy, but I just have to focus on only myself and the baby for now. Doug: What you were saying about being intimate and going out and having fun and doing all that stuff, I do think cumulatively, that had an effect. If he cannot make that decision then you need may have to make it for him. And If I keep kicking him out and letting him back im like the boy who cried wolf. At this point we decided he will move out, I told him he could stay but he said it doesnt work and he has no freedom there. And do not mention the OW for now. DDay 2 was my turning point. That is when he would swear he did not want to leave. One day he seems to be terrified to lose me, and the next he cant get out the door fast enough. Shes destroyed several marriages during her 30+ year career there) on his cell phone log. Leave your comments, experiences, advice, etc. I can tell you that DDay 2 for him was a real eye opener. She would just stare at them and never say a word. There are a lot of things that people have to consider about reality. When I was pregnant and this all first happened, I should have absolutely stuck to kicking him out. When I decided to go back to him I told myself I have forgiven him and chosen to trust him. I want him to know the door is open for him to leave, im not keeping him here. You can do this. Sounds like he knows that he is all you have and takes it for granted. I do not get it. I dont know the laws in your country but do not let him steamroll you. You are wasting your time. I appreciate it more than you know, as much as it terrifies me to read that you think I need a lawyer, etc. He went and laid on the couch and sent me a text saying lets finalize a divorce. We were over- marriage, life etc. after 9-11 when people went to wok and did not come home you would THINK he would get it. My CH has an exceptionally hard head. We have young children I know his affair started due to lack of attention becoming frustrating he is putting this woman before his kids. I think thats the part that did the most damage. Walk on D-day and dont look back. It is absolutely limbo and it is HELL. we are seeing a councillor. I dont want to be around him. I remained calm and steady. Its really like a stranger, and the minute he walks in the house and we start talking about our days its like oh here he is, heres the man I married. Midlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. If you are telling me how perfect our marriage is and how happy you are and you are cheating I think that says a lot about the cheater. Its 7 years and I still dont do my Hs laundry. When I wanted to get in a relationship, I sat him down and told him that the contact had to minimize because I am moving on. I know he thinks im being fake and im just letting this all happen bc I want him back, but I think hes starting to pick up on me doing things for myself. He got pissed off at me and defending himself and his whores must have been exhausting . Six weeks ago Im still calling my husband a liar for NOT forcing his whores out of our lives with the same ugliness he brought them in with he has not dealt with any of this crap and his sewer rats keep popping up over and over with their skanky smell spraying over my life so I continue to stand up for myself . I proved in a crisis I will be strong and level headed and calm and make good decisions. Sorry for rambling, this has been such an awful day. I would drag this out for some time just to be sure this is what he really wants. b. They always make me feel so much better. I have changed to be a better me and am looking after my self a lot better. His reaction had taken him by surprise. Im praying time is on my side. Its all so upsetting. Affair fog is an "irrational way to escape the demands of real-life and lean into pleasure." Im not saying D him. Its like the more we live like roomates, the more his feelings for me will dwindle I feel. I AGAIN accused him of talking to OW, he swore he isnt, hasnt, doesnt want to. People get it. Just know you cannot change him. He had a no contact with her for about 2 months. Because if I said I wanted a D (in his mind) I ended the M. In his mind his A had no impact or reason for the D. All that said, I feel like my kids need the dad back that they know. I told him I will never be able to stop loving him if I see him all the time. It makes me wonder if he is with her, but then I think theres no way. You get to the point if no one cares b/c you dont. Even if illegal or in our case, immoral and against the M. The stupid thing is my H was ready to run off into Fantasyland with the OW. Dont we wish we could go back and have a do over. But is there anything I can do that can get him out of this addiction, or do I just have to try to focus on me and do the 180 and hope he comes around and opens his eyes. My H never left our home and even when he wanted a divorce the next day he would change his mind. I sure hope he comes around. It can lead to a renewed marriage. I did this to protect me. You have to be willing to face a possible second dday. But im afraid that if I let him go again, he will finally be done and not try. Major London fog. Youre absolutely right. I looked after their needs while they were younger but he is their dad and he was involved in their lives. He doesnt want your help. And when I was going to D him after DDay2 (because 1 is just not enough to suffer through) that is when he realized I was no longer going to allow this crap to go on. Maybe I should give myself a time limit of trying the 180 FULL FORCE, and if nothing changes after a month or so maybe I need to tell him to leave, if by then he hasnt. QUESTION? Knowing what I know now, things would have been very very different. And he was free to be with the OW and I was not standing in his way. Last year I lost and then gained 30lbs. The confusing bit when he is around me twice he tried to sleep with me and most recent visit just kept try and cuddle me..: Im so confused my headspace is confused I dont think I want him back as he caused me so much pain but I do know I dont want him with her and I guess I want him to want to come back if that makes sense.. She was so screwed up mentally. Stay busy, work hard, be nice to him, be upbeat, DONT worry about what hes doing on his phone. Instead, Dday happened during pregnancy, I was hormonal, emotional, scared to death, and unsure how the hell I was supposed to maneuver through this. They usually come to realize every person has faults and they just I told him thats fine, do what he needs to do and ill sign. I think I needed to be more honest with you, but I was afraid that if I was, you would leave. Did she get back in touch? He has no right to put you in limbo. If not, you could continue to prolong the fog. I acted pretty blah to him today. Our 25th anniversary came around and HE planned a really nice overnight at a top hotel. They dont want our help (or anyone elses help). We have all been through some aspect of the above I some way shape or form. He had to come to that conclusion on his own. Hey Mark, Thanks for the comment and sorry that its taken me so long to get back to you, as I must have overlooked your question. Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. So I demanded the post nup. You have every right to decide what YOUR life should look like. The issue w/ my H was he would tell me be home by 12 pm and show up at 3 am with no call or courtesy. So I dont know where that puts anything, but i just cant focus on what hes doing like this. Sorry to say. If you dont, thats what theyre going to do to you. I phoned a friend who had worked there and knew this woman. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. Typical cheater move by the way blame everyone else. It was just the same life over and over again. But i do feel that way. In addition, I have been trying so hard that I have told her that she can keep her AP and her family too. My theory is you are either with me or not. They believe (wrongfully) they have something special. And then hes accusing me of turning his kids against him because they dont respond to him and why should they. He came over last night to see the baby and I went out to dinner with friends. K. You are in a very tough position. since I had no proof back then that anything happened and he denied it I had to accept it. Im not the source of his problems, although he has made it like I am. My ultimate goal is obviously for us to be together and work through this, but i cant make him want that. In fact she has gone out on 2 dates with the AP since D day and has moved their conversations to Snapchat to keep them secret. For the same of this marriage I plead to give at least a year, but nothing is improving, after 5 months past, & at the same time, their relationship is growing stronger & more stronger. Which in my head makes me think hes telling OW like ya im at the house for the baby but I sleep on the couch. Calm. I need to give him his freedom and show him im ok giving him that freedom, but then I have moments where I feel like im being walked all over. No kids, no responsibility, party lifestyle etc. I think thats all part of it. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. And he would swear its me. He is dressing differently and acting differently too..he even updated Facebook to show in a relationship with her before others even knew we were separated then he deleted me and blocked me since unblocked me hasnt added me again. I responded to his text saying You want a different life, and you should go live it. No yelling. After I got back with him he got trust issues which make me furious. You are giving him every opportunity to repair the M. He is choosing not to. But I would challenge him and tell him his actions dont show he really wants to be married any longer. That said, some people quite frankly dont give a damn. All the comments he had been making to me was the start of his leaving. Your H is playing a dangerous game I keep hoping he wakes up soon. No argument. To help you both get back on track. I think he had probably gone to the bar for a drink or 2 which again, I dont mind in moderation, but he was happy and nice. Either he has a serious drinking problem or many OW or something. Not you & him. What will he do, where will he go, who will he see, will he text me (he never does anymore unless I do first), will he go out tonight, will he drive to see OW a few hours away and then come back home as if nothing happened.my mind races with questions and it sucks. When im starting to think none of this is even about me really. Instead, I was all, Hey babe, so whats going on with you? K. You are doing fine!!! Thank you all for sharing here. It was totally not him and I was confused because I thought she had left town with another man. Think of the affair like an addiction. What will after work be like today, will he go somewhere, will he tell me he has plans tomorrow, will it be a bad weekend? I read something by Jack Ito, one of the many articles I have found over the last 7 months that seems to help. They believe this new love is real. doing whatever he wants. Now in her 40s she had left it too late to have a baby and it had totally fucked her up. Continue to work on yourself both mentally and physically and prepare for the long road ahead and for the possibility that the relationship wont make it. It is not new behavior. And I know that, its just near impossible not to. Had he pulled this crap before the baby I probably would have told him to kick rocks, get his shit together, and get back to me when he woke the hell up and realized what a mistake he was making. See what happens then. I refuse to e his mom and take care of him like I used to. The second issue is the one I cannot figure out and it makes no sense to me (or you). This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. I need to STICK to the 180 and FULLY DO IT, It is just SO hard, Im so afraid of pushing him away by me pulling away, Im afraid that ill pull away and give him all this freedom and he will just take advantage and feel really great doing things without me. His phone went off a few times last night when he was asleep and I was VERY tempted to look at it, but I didnt. Lol. Web**Depression is present throughout the mid-life crisis until the first phase of the final stage of Acceptance, where he would go through his second awakening-where the veil of the Hell, I wish THE FIRST TIME I saw a text from her 8 months ago I had kicked his ass out and let him see what life was like without me before the baby came. My wife began an EA after a trip out of town. And if youre an ex-cheater, please chime in on how you were finally able to emerge from the fog. I know I was feeling that way, even though when were together its nice, the minute he would leave I just felt crazy. And he is on it a lot more this week which is why I am under the impression they are back speaking. He calls me or keys me know if his damn train is late. You have tried everything you could. You dont need to explain yourself. Hi Doug And he understood. It just feels so wrong, I feel like we will end up hating eachother. But it only worked b/c my H decided a few hours before that he was ending the A. It is about respect. And one day if this continues you will throw in the towel on him. Nothing penetrates the fog. I dont talk to him, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me as Im trying to deal with surviving this entire ordeal and Ill send him a how horrible can you be text message. BTW after your married what was his schedule in terms of going out with friends? We were fine. You have told him how you felt and what you expect. They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. As I look back on their iMesaage conversation that I saved before it was deleted, I realize that my behavior to try to save the marriage is the exact opposite of the flirty, mysterious, confident behavior that she is enjoying with her AP. I dont even know why. Yet, why arent MY feelings dwindling? Please know it is typical cheater behavior. I dont know..well see how it goes. Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. He never expected I would call the OW that night (before the D conversation) so I knew he had been cheating. Nothing worked or changed him. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. The anger of the OW totally throws me off. That is the first issue. A month later we went to the workshop. I told him on a few occasions I am not standing in your way. Part of me really does believe him when he says they arent speaking. Thank you so much for your response. Im so happy I cry when I read this. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. I can totally relate. And he says as a wife to get your husband back you have to be loving but not a doormat and respected but not mean. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. Unfortunately, hed driven the damage to hell and back before I got the resolve to take it away. Many of these stories are helpful. I know that. And then I lost all that power the minute I invited him back. Instead of feeling satisfied, however, he felt trapped. He slid accused me of having an A with a co worker 25 years ago. I told him it is time for me to focus on what I want out of life for myself. Dishonest. I thought we reconciled. But I keep telling myself just stick it out a little. As hard as it is to come home everyday to a house completely alone without him, I know i have to stick to it. I am so afraid he will feel his life is better without me in it somehow..I dont know HOW WE GOT HERE. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. I feel like sometimes he wants to but then sometimes thinks its too hard, and then sometimes he just doesnt want to at all bc he is so sick of me. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. He has started to be gone on the weekends, where he will go out Friday night after workfor all hours of the night and then go to work all day saturday (supposedly) and then go out saturday night all night. And then went running back to her in the fall. Not trying to change a situation or behavior. If you wait until you get mad enough to do it first, the damage is done. I completely understand what you are going through. We shouldnt be so hard on ourselves.I know what I know now about affairs. Determined to make my life happy again. I havent heard from him today, which is upsetting because normally he would text in the morning. Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. Dont engage in conversations you dont want to. Maybe bc he is out of town. I changed the locks before he got home, and sent his dad to tell him not to come back unless he was willing to end the affair. He was in constant contact with me, video calls etc. Sometimes I think he does things to test how I will react. Then, you started acting like This, so what all is there to know?. It helped to re-establish a bond that we had and intimacy and kick-started our relationship again and our friendship. The CS has to come to their own conclusions and realizations. To this day I see him as needed but the good news is that I can weather this crazy storm and still be a good parent and keep it together. Just to protect yourself. I feel like it would have pulled him out of his affair fog real quick and made him do a reality check but now I struggle with guilt and anger at myself because it ended up going on for years and years and years afterward because I did not have the backbone to do that. The damage has been done. Which makes me think hes still slightly in the fog. When we fall in love our brains become bathed in a soup of phenylethylamine (PEA) a naturally occurring amphetamine. It was so romantic. Unfortunately that is the truth. and if I dont invite him then im afraid he will throw it in my face and say it hurt his feelings. I do think its a positive thing that he chooses to come home every night, but I hate that he sleeps on the couch, and i hate that he comes home so late some nights. Just this past weekend, Saturday night he said he was going for drinks with a friend and would be home by 8. Sometimes the only thing people understand is a financial impact. They kissed that night and he was do upset by his actions that he came home and told me. But actions dont lie. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. So im just going to stick to this 180, be CONSISTENT in my actions and reactions as much as possible and see where it gets us. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. Right now it seems like he could care less, He is probably thinking to himself I knew she couldnt handle me going out. I go from being extremely nice to him, to being bat shit crazy and screaming about OW. of course not. He said I am wrong and that he doesnt want this to keep coming up but also said it shouldnt matter, as we are not working on us right now regardless. I wanted to know if there is a way to contact you via email..? He would tell me if he had a work dinner or working late (or traveling etc). And it wasnt as though the lies and truth were forthcoming. And your H now may be sure this is what he wants. Its like im just here, I just exist and as long as he can come home to see the baby and feel like im still around, then he feels good to live whatever life he wants. This short guide tells you what you need to know to survive the affair, heal yourself and emerge on the other side a stronger person. I have no clue. Um, no, your actions turned your kids against you. They want to have fun, enjoy themselves, that AP is the fun and the spouse is work. Ive had a very weird week. And yet I havent even told him about it bc im terrified he will take that as an opportunity to make plans to go see the OW, or go do something else without us, or me inviting him will be turned into me trying to push us right back where we were. You need to turn it around that he is fearful of losing you. Thats the only time it felt like maybe he was seeing things clearly, and then that quickly went away. So even though I was led to believe our marriage survived his affair in reality his sffair was not over. And a happy emotionally stable parent alone is better than the hell you are living in now. Am I making myself too available? I see what he does and I KNOW I dont want a husband like this, yet I still love him and would want to work on it..WHAT?! Which isnt true. His behavior is unacceptable!!! Is this at all possible to do under the same roof without hating him? Our only contact is when he asks to see our preschooler, once every few months.
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